dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
