I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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