guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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