Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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