i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
