He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
