Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
