I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
