Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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