first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
