Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
