from now on my penis is your penis
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
