I'm going to rape someone's good day.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
