Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
