i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
