he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
