that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
