doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
