you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
