I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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