woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
