she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
