i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
