Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
