I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
