My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
