I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
