the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
