What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize