So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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