What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
