my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
