So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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