So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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