You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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