I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize