Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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