I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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