Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
