I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
