I didn't shave. On purpose
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
