I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
