I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
handjob tips. give me some.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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