ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
