Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
