After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
