his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
