i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
