How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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