dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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