so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
