i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
