Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize