so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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