this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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