I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
